All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize