and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
