You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
