Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
