my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
