I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I didn't notice because vodka
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
