i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
