Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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