Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
