New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
