Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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