At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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