Swine flu. Run for my life!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize