you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
