I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize