I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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