im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
