For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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