ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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