I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
