Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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