My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
