Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
