The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
