I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
