Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
