there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
