Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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