Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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