bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize