I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Small penises have feelings too.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My breasts were aching with rage.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
