Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
