Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
