i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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