...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
