I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
