my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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