i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
