god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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