Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
