I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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