I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
