Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
