i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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