I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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