im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
