i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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