i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
