Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
