at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
be right there i have to get my cape
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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