just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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