I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
