I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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