even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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