Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize