Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
